The Lumpy Bumpy Ride

It has been hard to write over the past few weeks - much easier to avoid it and fill my time with other things, including mindless distractions. And now that my chemo treatments have started - I am zapped of a lot of energy and working through managing side effects each day. The emotional reality though is that the past few weeks and last month have been really difficult. I feel that I have had a huge range of emotions to acknowledge and process. I have felt pretty numb emotionally for some time - my therapist recently challenged me to list the losses and changes that I have faced in the past 2 years - didn't take long for that numb feeling to disappear!!   Some of the changes have happened because life happens - my kids have graduated from high school and young adult life is the norm. Their lives are changing and evolving and so my role in their lives is changing as well. That is a hard one to swallow at times - I am not needed in the same way and my influence and control...

I am stealing the beginning of this post from my good friend Stephanie who recently posted this on her FB page. As a musician it makes perfect sense - on a personal level, it is a challenge. Life's Rests - John Ruskin 1819-1900 There is no music in a rest, but there is the making of music in it. In our whole life melody the music is broken off here and there by "rests," and we foolishly think we have come to the end of the tune. God sends a time of forced leisure, sickness, disappointed plans, frustrated efforts, and makes a sudden pause in the choral hymn of our lives, and we lament that our voices must be silent, and our part missing in the music which ever goes up to the ear of the Creator. How does the musician read the rest? See him beat the time with unvarying count, and catch up the next note true and steady, as if no breaking place had come between. Not without design does God write the music of our lives. But be it ours to learn the tune, and not be dism...

It has been a couple weeks since I have posted anything here. My head has not been idle. I have been home recovering from surgery and the one word that has consistently being running through my head is GRATITUDE.  I am a person who does not or will not ask for help quickly - friends can stop laughing here!! If you just spewed your drink while reading that - I'm not sorry!! In my post surgery recovery, I have been surrounded by people who have graciously given meals, time to clean my house, help with yard work, come for visits, and sent messages - I am overwhelmed with love and gratitude. However, in the last few weeks my feelings of gratitude have gone way deeper than the blessings mentioned. Perhaps this has been God's way of preparing me for a set back and disappointment. The gratitude that I have felt has been a recognition of how deeply loved I am by God even though I have felt like a failure in several areas of my life. I am reminded by God that I am still loved and va...

This past Wednesday I walked out of my office not knowing when I might be back. The space between diagnosis and treatment was closed. I think that I did all that I could to help my co-workers to carry on in my absence. I left knowing that my fabulous co-workers will fill in the gaps for me this time. I have called my current office building my work home for the past 9 years - I will not be sad if I don't return to that building again!!! I will be sad if I miss being a part of moving into our new building - we have been looking forward to a new building for so long and the move in is now so close. I left that evening and traded my work wardrobe for a much more casual and comfy look. I left knowing that time at home means more cuddle time with my dog, more time to enjoy being with family and friends, a less rigid schedule, Netflix binges, and perhaps time to try new hobbies. I also left knowing that my cancer treatments were about to start - in less than 48 hours. Friday morning ...

There are days and dates that are seared into one’s memory – they either remind us of an event worth remembering or an event we would rather not remember. Some of the most important dates in my life and the ones always worth remembering - my birthday, my children's birthdays, and happy anniversaries - weddings, milestones, new beginnings. Then there are the other life altering dates - some I would rather not remember for the pain they still invoke. Days when the trajectory of life changed - July 9, 2019 will now be added to that list. The day my fears were confirmed - I have  breast cancer. The first time I said it I had to shake my head - did I really just say that? Did I really hear that coming out of my mouth? In the days right after my diagnosis, there were so many questions – How did this sneak up on me? What caused this? Am I going to be ok? Are my kids going to be ok? How do I tell my parents? What kind of surgery am I going to need? Will I need chemo and radia...

Life often takes us on unexpected journeys!! My new journey is going to be an interesting ride - and for those of who that have not already heard - I was diagnosed earlier this summer with Breast Cancer. Both saying it and typing it still feels very surreal - I don't feel unwell or sick so how can this be true. But I am told that it is and I have seen the pictures and read the pathology report (over and over to be sure). And so the nurse (who thinks she is pretty smart and competent) becomes the patient - I can tell you it is much easier to put a file away and a note to follow-up in a few weeks than it is to be the one waiting for the follow-up in a few weeks. It is way easier to give reassurance than it is to feel it. It is much easier to research a topic out of interest and curiosity than it is because this is now a real part of my life. I have already learned so much and know that there is so much more to know. For now - I am trying to take one day at a time and getting read...