Gratitude and Disappointment

It has been a couple weeks since I have posted anything here. My head has not been idle. I have been home recovering from surgery and the one word that has consistently being running through my head is GRATITUDE. 

I am a person who does not or will not ask for help quickly - friends can stop laughing here!! If you just spewed your drink while reading that - I'm not sorry!! In my post surgery recovery, I have been surrounded by people who have graciously given meals, time to clean my house, help with yard work, come for visits, and sent messages - I am overwhelmed with love and gratitude. However, in the last few weeks my feelings of gratitude have gone way deeper than the blessings mentioned. Perhaps this has been God's way of preparing me for a set back and disappointment.

The gratitude that I have felt has been a recognition of how deeply loved I am by God even though I have felt like a failure in several areas of my life. I am reminded by God that I am still loved and valued. I am an imperfect person, yet I am loved for who I am by God, my family, and my friends. I am grateful for an army of friends who care for me, pray for me, and check in with me pretty much daily. I am grateful to be blessed with a very comfortable home that is a safe place for me. I am grateful to have a job with a fantastic group of co-workers who are a phone call/text away if I need them. They make me laugh. Together we enjoy our sarcastic sense of humor (maybe too much at times). We cry together because we cared together. I know that when I will need them, I am in good hands - they will be my advocates because they care. I am so thankful and proud to call them friends. I am also grateful that in this job I have the ability to take the time I need to go through my treatments and recover before I come back to work.

In my reflections on this word - I was brought back to my days in Celebrate Recovery and our lessons in Gratitude. In the recovery world we talk alot about gratitude and how important it is. It is crucial to our ability to move forward in our healing journeys because it allows us to see where we have come from, how much we have grown, and in our Christian world - a reminder of God never giving up on us. It is crucial to our journey when we feel alone - we can see how much we are supported and carried by God and those around us who have experienced the same things we are. This has been true for me in my struggle with co-dependency and this journey with Breast Cancer.  

Then comes my surgical follow-up - I am extremely happy with how my surgical recovery has gone - my incisions are healing well, I have had good pain control, I had virtually no drainage from either of my incisions. I was feeling great. There were 2 pieces of pathology that needed discussion - 

1. Lymph Nodes - I am told that one of the lymph nodes taken during surgery was positive for cancer as well. That was shitty news and confirms that chemo will definitely be part of my treatment plan. In my head, I was hoping that perhaps that could be negotiable if all was clear - perhaps still a part of my denial of the reality staring me in the face.
2. Clean Margins - I am told by my surgeon that he did not get clean tissue margins all the way around the tumors. Also shitty news - this means a 2nd surgery to get those clean margins. This also means waiting for the rest of my treatment until that surgery is done. 

I have sat on the nursing side listening to clients talk about set backs and disappointments. I have seen client's disappointment and frustration when chemo was delayed because their blood work was not good enough or they were just not feeling well enough. That day, the disappointment was mine to feel and process. It was frustrating and disheartening. I felt so good, why this? Why do I have to be the one who has to go back for more surgery?

And after I caught my breath and got ready to tell my family - my brain went back to the gratitude thought - in that moment I clearly knew and had a new understanding of why gratitude is important. None of the realities that I was grateful for had changed - NOTHING WAS DIFFERENT. I was still the recipient of all the things I was grateful for.  

Gratitude and disappointment can co-exist. And that's okay.

And then the unexpected this morning - my surgery date was moved to the end of this week - another thing to be grateful for!!

And later in the morning - scheduling conflict = 2nd surgery moved back to the original date. So yes - gratitude and disappointment still co-exist.