Dates to Remember


There are days and dates that are seared into one’s memory – they either remind us of an event worth remembering or an event we would rather not remember.

Some of the most important dates in my life and the ones always worth remembering - my birthday, my children's birthdays, and happy anniversaries - weddings, milestones, new beginnings.

Then there are the other life altering dates - some I would rather not remember for the pain they still invoke. Days when the trajectory of life changed - July 9, 2019 will now be added to that list. The day my fears were confirmed - I have breast cancer. The first time I said it I had to shake my head - did I really just say that? Did I really hear that coming out of my mouth?

In the days right after my diagnosis, there were so many questions – How did this sneak up on me? What caused this? Am I going to be ok? Are my kids going to be ok? How do I tell my parents? What kind of surgery am I going to need? Will I need chemo and radiation as well? Am I going to be super sick? Am I going to be left with the brain fog that comes along with treatment? Am I going to be able to work? How will I get through my divorce with this on my head as well?

I had been feeling so good and felt like I was getting into a good routine in my life – still need to make more time to read but have had many other successes in the past year. I don’t feel sick so how do I reconcile the fact that I have a life-threatening disease happening in my body.

And when I let myself be vulnerable, the tears start to come. Anger that I am left alone to walk through this, fear of the future, fear of the journey. And then I stop the tears like I always have – gotta keep moving, gotta get things done. Except this time I think I am going to get stopped in my tracks – no more running, time to sit, time to process, time to heal – physically, emotionally, spiritually. I don’t know when that will hit me – I just know from watching others that it happens. It really sucks being the patient and not the caregiver this time.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Days of Wishful Thinking

It has been a very long time since I posted anything on this blog - in fact - just over a year. Sometimes it just didn't feel like a time for writing.  At other times I posted my cancer journey on my Caring Bridge page. As I read through my last post about navigating feelings, I kept thinking this time of year is obviously a time of reflection for me. So much has happened in the past 18 months - it has been both a time of unsettledness and settling.  I have been thinking recently about how much our lives are shaped by certain dates, events, and milestones. Some of these are happy - births, marriages, graduations, awards, vacations, new jobs, and the list goes on. These moments are the ones we love to celebrate and remember. Then there are others that are devastating and difficult - a diagnosis we never wanted to hear, job loss, broken relationships, deaths, and this year - COVID. This list can also go on to include much more. These are moments that are remembered but definitel...
Read more

The Bumpy Ride of Feelings

It has been hard to write over the past few weeks - much easier to avoid it and fill my time with other things, including mindless distractions. And now that my chemo treatments have started - I am zapped of a lot of energy and working through managing side effects each day. The emotional reality though is that the past few weeks and last month have been really difficult. I feel that I have had a huge range of emotions to acknowledge and process. I have felt pretty numb emotionally for some time - my therapist recently challenged me to list the losses and changes that I have faced in the past 2 years - didn't take long for that numb feeling to disappear!!   Some of the changes have happened because life happens - my kids have graduated from high school and young adult life is the norm. Their lives are changing and evolving and so my role in their lives is changing as well. That is a hard one to swallow at times - I am not needed in the same way and my influence and control...
Read more