The Bumpy Ride of Feelings
It has been hard to write over the past few weeks - much easier to avoid it and fill my time with other things, including mindless distractions. And now that my chemo treatments have started - I am zapped of a lot of energy and working through managing side effects each day.
The emotional reality though is that the past few weeks and last month have been really difficult. I feel that I have had a huge range of emotions to acknowledge and process. I have felt pretty numb emotionally for some time - my therapist recently challenged me to list the losses and changes that I have faced in the past 2 years - didn't take long for that numb feeling to disappear!!
Some of the changes have happened because life happens - my kids have graduated from high school and young adult life is the norm. Their lives are changing and evolving and so my role in their lives is changing as well. That is a hard one to swallow at times - I am not needed in the same way and my influence and control in their lives is vastly different than it used to be. Learning to let go and learning to accept their choices and decisions has been a challenge for me at times. It hasn't always been a graceful transition.
As I have been processing the loss of my marriage - I have again come face to face with some really deep betrayals and not had a place to hide from them. They have kind of come up and been smacking me in the face. There are so many losses and changes - some very overt and in your face. But then there are those that subtly creep into the routine of life that also need attention and need to be grieved and processed.
The anticipation of my upcoming chemotherapy has raised all kinds of fear and anxiety as again, I have little control over how my body will respond, I haven't known how to plan for it, until recently, I didn't know how many rounds of it I would be getting - all new things that I have never had to encounter before, only questions I have seen others struggle through. Along with reality of chemo comes the fact that I am not currently working - another loss to work through. As my co-workers plan for a move to a new building (we are so thankful), I am not there with them. I have been replaced - not forgotten, but there is somebody else working my line and I don't know when I will be back.
There have definitely been tears over the past weeks as I have tried to be more intentional about identifying the feeling and processing it in the moment - also knowing that I will probably have to have the same feelings again at some point. It has been another bumpy ride
Tonight I read a Facebook post about James 1:2 -
Where are the glimpses of joy??? The glimpses of joy are there in the friends and family who continue to support me and check in on me. The glimpses of joy are there in the ongoing relationships with my children - even if they look different than I had expected. The glimpses of joy are there when I pop into my office and I am welcomed by my co-workers. The glimpses of joy are there when I get to enjoy a beautiful day outside with my dog, or a quiet and peaceful day at home. The glimpses of joy are there in a visit with a friend also struggling with health issues. I mentioned in a previous post the I am learning to reconcile that gratitude and disappointment can co-exist. I continue to learn this and so much more - I am learning that both my inner joy and my inner anxiety do co-exist. I am learning that I am both broken and have a measure of health. I am learning to become more flexible and resilient as I work through challenges that I am facing - learning that I can't control many things around me is freeing and forces me to accept what I can change and move forward in that. Learning that I can pick up after a bad day and keep moving forward is progress. I am learning that processing my feelings and emotions is a bumpy journey as well but a road worth travelling.
The emotional reality though is that the past few weeks and last month have been really difficult. I feel that I have had a huge range of emotions to acknowledge and process. I have felt pretty numb emotionally for some time - my therapist recently challenged me to list the losses and changes that I have faced in the past 2 years - didn't take long for that numb feeling to disappear!!
Some of the changes have happened because life happens - my kids have graduated from high school and young adult life is the norm. Their lives are changing and evolving and so my role in their lives is changing as well. That is a hard one to swallow at times - I am not needed in the same way and my influence and control in their lives is vastly different than it used to be. Learning to let go and learning to accept their choices and decisions has been a challenge for me at times. It hasn't always been a graceful transition.
As I have been processing the loss of my marriage - I have again come face to face with some really deep betrayals and not had a place to hide from them. They have kind of come up and been smacking me in the face. There are so many losses and changes - some very overt and in your face. But then there are those that subtly creep into the routine of life that also need attention and need to be grieved and processed.
The anticipation of my upcoming chemotherapy has raised all kinds of fear and anxiety as again, I have little control over how my body will respond, I haven't known how to plan for it, until recently, I didn't know how many rounds of it I would be getting - all new things that I have never had to encounter before, only questions I have seen others struggle through. Along with reality of chemo comes the fact that I am not currently working - another loss to work through. As my co-workers plan for a move to a new building (we are so thankful), I am not there with them. I have been replaced - not forgotten, but there is somebody else working my line and I don't know when I will be back.
There have definitely been tears over the past weeks as I have tried to be more intentional about identifying the feeling and processing it in the moment - also knowing that I will probably have to have the same feelings again at some point. It has been another bumpy ride
Tonight I read a Facebook post about James 1:2 -
For many years, I thought this verse was truly impossible to live out: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds..." James 1:2
But then one day I realized this verse doesn’t say “feel the joy.” Instead, it encourages us to “consider where some glimpses of joy might be even in the midst of all the hurt.”
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