The Spaces Between

This past Wednesday I walked out of my office not knowing when I might be back. The space between diagnosis and treatment was closed. I think that I did all that I could to help my co-workers to carry on in my absence. I left knowing that my fabulous co-workers will fill in the gaps for me this time. I have called my current office building my work home for the past 9 years - I will not be sad if I don't return to that building again!!! I will be sad if I miss being a part of moving into our new building - we have been looking forward to a new building for so long and the move in is now so close. I left that evening and traded my work wardrobe for a much more casual and comfy look. I left knowing that time at home means more cuddle time with my dog, more time to enjoy being with family and friends, a less rigid schedule, Netflix binges, and perhaps time to try new hobbies. I also left knowing that my cancer treatments were about to start - in less than 48 hours.

Friday morning came and it was go time - I am grateful for the family and friends with me throughout the day - both in person and through messages sent - it gave me less time to think. The distraction was good. As I was laying in the OR Holding Room, I again was thinking - how can this be real, I don't feel sick. I thought about all the clients we as a home care team have dealt with in the past - those who don't want to acknowledge their diagnosis (both cancer and other diseases) and deny it's reality as the disease eats away at them. Is this what denial feels like - how can I have cancer cause I don't feel sick. And now I am home again recovering in the comfort of my home - sitting in my comfy chair as I write. And again sitting between the 1st treatment (surgery) and the next treatment - most likely chemotherapy. My job is to take time to heal, learn to accept graciously accept the help and love of those around me who want to support me. My job is also to trust that this is a part of God's plan - that might be the biggest challenge. One of my dear co-workers gave me a copy of some of her daughter's journal as she struggled bravely through an incredibly difficult journey with a very rare and aggressive cancer - her entry from Aug 14, 2018 included these words - "so for today I'm going to take deep breaths, and as I breath, pray - Exodus 14:14 - The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent." (Thanks, Lianna) 

My job for this space - believe and stay calm/silent.